Eating Your Feelings

Do you struggle to lose weight? If so, have you ever wondered why? 

I’m no psychologist, but I can tell you that for me, the weight I have been carrying around is purely emotional. It’s a form of self punishment. Every time I hit the first milestone of weight loss, I would just stop dieting with no rhyme or reason why. It was self sabotage, to prevent myself from hitting my target weight and therefore preventing myself from having the joy and satisfaction of doing so.

But why?

It’s simple – I was compensating for other areas of my life, with food. The moment I woke up from my face-stuffing-food-coma I could control it. I no longer aimlessly and thoughtlessly shove chocolate down my face, or crave that ‘full’ feeling.

If you are battling weight loss and suffer a lack of motivation, maybe there is something underlying within you that’s holding you back? After all, how can you really move forward when you are holding on to the past?

Crossing the ‘START line

Hello!

Let’s kick this off with who I am and why I’m here!

For now, let’s pretend my name is Emma. I’m 24 years old, I live in the UK and I am here because I am trying to change my life. I am trying so very very hard, to completely change my health.

Just over a month ago I had a lot of light-headed dizzy spells, to the point I was unable to work and my vision was completely blurry. Two doctors visits, an ECG and a blood test later, I found out I’m anemic.

This is the scary thing though… Whilst I was feeling uncontrollably sick and as if I were going to faint, people around me couldn’t help but try to diagnose me themselves. The conclusion that most people came to was “you’ve given yourself diabetes”. This was obviously a terrifying thought, but not just for the obvious reasons. Not only did my friends, family and colleagues think that my symptoms seemed to match up, they thought my appearance did too. I was openly called “overweight”. It was stated as if it were a fact that belonged on Wikipedia. Obviously me being overweight was common knowledge and everyone had accepted it, right?

I would say that I did, and still do, have some degree of body dysmorphic disorder when it comes to my size. 

So here’s the stats. As of January 1st I am 5’4″ and weigh 13 stone 4lbs. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’m overweight. You would be correct.

The thing is, I can’t tell when I look in the mirror. I think it’s a level of denial. When I look at my reflection there is no doubt in my mind that I don’t like what I see. It actively makes me depressed. My clothes go up to a size 16 and I’m often uncomfortable. My boobs have gotten stupidly big and I can’t fit in a lot of my clothes anymore. The writing is on the wall! But in the morning when I’m dressed and head out the house I feel confident. I only come crashing down when someone says something offensive (you know, the unintentionally offensive comment which is only offensive because you’re sensitive and aware you’re overweight e.g. “Not surprising to see you near the food!”) or when my phone camera opens front-facing and gets a good shot of my double chin.

I am rather good at both lying to myself (“don’t be silly, you’re not fat. You’re ‘average’ size.”) and beating myself up (“You should NOT have eaten that… No wonder you’re fat.”). I’ll tell ya, inner bi-polar Emma is a train wreck.

So back to the point – I’m here to make a change. I’m here to turn things around. I am currently 15 days into the new year and I have lost 12 lbs! I am so proud of myself.

I have a long way to go, but I have made great progress so far. I figured a blog will help me keep on track, stop me from losing momentum and serve as a good reflection of my journey.

So here it goes – my first blog entry. I will be stumbling before I can run. Feel free to keep me company 🙂

Emma. Day 15. 12lbs down!